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General Computing Humour #4

Quick Reference

The Night Before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
that I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs that came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger on the ENTER key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The client's last changes were even included!

And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want."

Smart House

The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:
Nov 28, 1995:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30:
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 1:
Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8:
Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on the invoice.
Dec 3:
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.

Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's.

Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

Dec 7:
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.

Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.

Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.

Dec 9:
I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10:
I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the dishwasher.
Dec 12:
This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through- out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.

I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).

Dec 18:
They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
Dec 19:
Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created.

We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!

Dec 21:
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.

Too Long Logged On

You know you have been on too long when......
  1. Tech support calls YOU for help
  2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL"
  3. You watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on
  4. You keep bugging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
  5. You want to meet aa guy/girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer
  6. You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut
  7. You no longer type with proper capitalisation, punctuation, or complete sentences
  8. Your buddy list has more than 100 people on it
  9. You begin to say "hehehehehe" instead of laughing.
  10. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!!"
  11. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep
  12. You turn down your lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again
  13. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own
  14. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night)
  15. You change your screen name so much you have to look up your profile to see who you are
  16. You marry your cyber boyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
  17. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
  18. You write a letter like this..."dear tome, hiyas! how r u doin? well i gotta go bbl."
  19. You smile sideways..... :-)
  20. You sign on and immediately get 10 IM''s from people who have you on their buddy list
  21. You have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are
  22. You bring a bag lunch and cooler to the computer
  23. Your significant other kisses you on the neck while you're chatting and you think "uh oh cyber sex perv"
  24. You have withdrawals if you're away from the computer for more than a few hours
  25. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling
  26. You wake up in the moring and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee
  27. You have to inject no-doze into your butt so it won't fall asleep
  28. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen
  29. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work
  30. You end sentences withh 3 or more periods while writing letters by hand
  31. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
  32. You don't even notice when someone has a typo
  33. You stop typing whole words and use things like "dunno", and "lemme"
  34. Your voice mail message is "BRB, leave your screen name and I will TTYL"
  35. You type faster than you think
  36. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted
  37. You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up on your TV after a movie
  38. You dream in "text"
  39. There is no interesting chat in a room and you are really bored
  40. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
  41. You double click your TV remote.
  42. You can now type over 70 wpm
  43. You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for AOL junkies
  44. You are on the phone a minute and need to do something and you say BRB
  45. You check your e mail and forget you have real mail
  46. You spen 30 minutes making sure you say "goodbye" to everybody
  47. You stop speaking in full sentences
  48. You last sexual experience was actually a "textual" experience
  49. You meet real people from AOL in person and you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name

Geek Boasting

Geek Jargon

Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A by-product of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Acronyms

PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Safe Sex And IT!

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and inquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my hardware?" They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occassional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to_see_my_benchmark routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.

"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. "Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"

More Geek Jargon

"percussive maintenance"
the fine art of whacking a device to get it working
"prairie dogging"
in companies where everyone has a cubicle -- something happens and everyone pops up to look.
"blowing your buffer"
losing your train of thought.
"yuppie food coupons"
twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
"treeware"
manuals and documentation.
"beepilepsy"
afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.
"cobweb"
a WWW site that never changes.
"high dome"
egghead, scientist, PhD.
"elvis year"
the peak year of popularity, as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year".
"generica"
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was".
"irritainment"
annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial.
"meatspace"
the physical world (as opposed to the virtual), also "carbon community".
"silliwood" also "hollywired"
the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers

C Monkeys

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most monkeys are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money".

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more expensive: $10,000! What does it do?".

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff".

The tourist looks around for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if he does anything, but he says he's a Consultant."

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