HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then
it crashed and it won't start now!"
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash any more!"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!"
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use
this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may
cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you
were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining
the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or
you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital
letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor.
Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock
key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you.
You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the
use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh"
and ! with "zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT@S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable
operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends
firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in
warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent
and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either
dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer
for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you
are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing
your hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled
with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use
shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old
PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters.
Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate
the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether
your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying
the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the
keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may
have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to
recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the
two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in
equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you
should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time
you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up
with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon
appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys
look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this,
go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an
upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough,
the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will
my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or
vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't
worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along,
next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's
wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard,
the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation
of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path
of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual
advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues
in your relationship with the Almighty.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:
c:\>Let there be light! Enter user id. c:\>God Enter password. c:\>Omniscient Password incorrect. Try again. c:\>Omnipotent Password incorrect. Try again. c:\>Technocrat And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. c:\>Let there be light! Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\>Create light Done c:\>Run heaven and earth And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light Unrecognizable command. Try again. c:\>Create firmament Done. c:\>Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and Too many characters in specification string. Try again. c:\>Create dry_land Done. c:\>Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night Unspecified type. Try again. c:\>Create sun_moon_stars Done c:\>Run sun_moon_stars And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. c:\>Create fish Done c:\>Create fowl Done c:\>Run fish, fowl And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. c:\>Create cattle Done c:\>Create creepy_things Done c:\>Now let us make man in our image Unspecified type. Try again. c:\>Create man Done c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth Too many command operands. Try again. c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 6 errors. c:\>Insert breath Done c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 5 errors. c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden File Garden of Eden does not exist. c:\>Create Garden.edn Done c:\>Move man to Garden.edn Done c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 4 errors. c:\>Copy woman from man Done c:\>Run multiplication Execution terminated. 2 errors. c:\>Create desire Done c:\>Run multiplication And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\>Create freewill Done c:\>Run freewill And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\>Undo desire Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. c:\>Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\>Help Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. c:\>Create good, evil Done c:\>Activate evil And God saw he had created shame. Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman Search failed. c:\>Delete shame Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. c:\>Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. c:\>Stop Unrecognizable command. Try again c:\>Break c:\>Break c:\>Break ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. c:\>Create new world You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. c:\>Destroy earth Destroy earth: Please confirm. c:\>Destroy earth confirmed COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. 12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh
MATTEL ANNOUNCES the latest in their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)
The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's your Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"
"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.
As a child I would ask my mother whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write letters then mailed them in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once to show His love for His people, so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.