General Computing Humour #1

Quick Reference

• Amiga Self-Destruct
• ECSLab Cautionary Tale
• Pentium Jokes
• Programmers' Sayings
• Real Engineers
• DL-232 - A New Standard

Amiga Self-Destruct

In article <CprC35.ADL@sys.uea.ac.uk> u9323597@sys.uea.ac.uk (J. Briggs CMP UG) writes:
>  Now a question for all you Amiga users.  Will you continue to use the Amiga
>or are you now looking for another machine.  If so, which machine would you
>choose?

Well, there is a self-destruct routine built into version 2.1 of the WorkBench, of course. The news of Commodore's liquidation came across the modem and my Amiga 3000 (25megahertz '030, 2 meg chip, 4 meg fast), immediately started a ten-second countdown timer on the screen in 80-point type. This wasn't an outline font, so the numbers were pretty jaggy.

Naturally, I flipped the switch on the power strip, but somehow the computer and monitor stayed on and the countdown continued. Apparently, it was using the remaining charge in the lithium clock battery. Yanking the cords from the wall didn't help, either, and by the time I finished that, there were only four seconds left. I had no choice except to defenestrate (look it up) the CPU. The monitor was made by another vendor, but it had the Commodore label and it was still turned on, so I threw it out after the CPU and hit the dirt.

Well, the explosion that followed immediately afterwards blew out all the plate glass on my whole block. The cops came because of a noise ordinance violation in Davis, and because the remains were still smoking, but they left after I explained what happened. Unfortunately, the house needs a new paint job, and the lawn will probably never grow back right over that crater. Fortunately, the printer was a Panasonic and the modem was a Zyxel, so they are both fine. I'm glad to report that no people were seriously injured, although it was a close thing.

Anyway, if this hasn't happened to you yet, there are a couple things you should do. First of all, you should avoid using your modem. If you do, use a third-party serial device (like baudbandit.device or the ones that come with GVP's devices). Second of all, you should shut down your WorkBench and run from CLI, since WB is where the self-destruct code resides. Another work-around is to remove the clock battery and be ready to unplug the computer at short notice. Never leave your machine unattended if you do this.

Switching to another version of the OS will NOT help!! This routine was coded in from the beginning. I think the programmers and hardware engineers realised the need sometime around Tramiel's departure. The only revision of the self-destruct scheme came with version 2.04 of the OS. Before that version, there was a synthesized voice that did the countdown instead of the numbers on the screen. This means that if you are running a pre-2.04 machine, you should make SURE that you have your speakers hooked up AT ALL TIMES!!!

Anyway, consult the RKM's (in the Autodocs) for more details.

>  I am also an Amiga fanatic, but I wonder now if its time to change to a 
> Mac, or even, a PC!! 

Well, the Mac would probably be the safest bet. MS-DOS has a similar routine that will kick in should Bill Gates ever die/lose control of the company/reproduce, so they are moderately safe for now. If you're really worried, you can switch to DR DOS. Its self-destruct only kicks in after the last CP/M machine goes to the dump. Windows (3.1 and NT) has a routine that is supposed to do the same thing, but it is so buggy that it just crashes the machine instead.

The Macs used to have a "bomb" routine that was set to go off if Steve Jobs ever left the company. Fortunately, the routine was mainly coded by the same people who did the early versions of "Word" for that platform, so the versions released were all really "beta" software. The main effect of the routine were that a lot of white smoke came out of the top of the machine. A few of the Macs turned black and melted down into a vaguely cube-shaped object. Anyway, the routine has since been removed so the OS can handle the 10-key on the keyboard. As a result, modern Macs are now very safe.

Be careful with the PowerPC-based machines. Nobody has completely analyzed them yet. However, there is a rumor that when the last mainframe is sold, they will all refuse to run emulators for anything but CMS. The casualty rate from this is expected to be extremely high.

An ECSlab Cautionary Tale

From: m92mjb@ecs.ox.ac.uk (Martin J Bligh)
Newsgroups: ecslab.mc92
Subject: Those lecture things ...
Date: 26 Nov 92 16:22:12 GMT
Distribution: ecslab
Organization: Oxford University Undergraduate Engineering and Comp Sci Lab, UK
Originator: m92mjb@booth25.ecs

It would be very convenient if we agreed to post short summaries of the material covered in each of our lectures.

This would cater for those of us who "accidentally" oversleep some of the lectures (both morning and afternoon).

All that is really needed is the topics covered, as the material itself can be read from books. The idea would be something along the lines of the Lecture Synopsis we are given, but the lecturers never seem to stick to it (and a *little* more detail would be useful). Of course, if someone is willing to post a complete "LaTeXed" set of lecture notes ... :-)

This would avoid all those embarassing incidents such as when your Tutor says "Have you covered L'Hopital's rule yet?", and the answer is "Dunno, I haven't been to any lectures yet this term" (Fortunately my tutorial partner saved my ass at this point by saying "yes", so I knew that it was safe to pretend that I knew what the Tutor was talking about).

Fletch

PS I would be only too willing to contribute to this for all the lectures that I go to. Not sure how much help this would be tho :-)

From: wfm@comlab.ox.ac.uk (Bill McColl)
Newsgroups: ecslab.mc92
Subject: Re: Those lecture things ...
Date: 26 Nov 92 19:35:20 GMT
Distribution: ecslab
Organization: Oxford University Computing Laboratory, UK
Originator: wfm@client1.comlab

In article <8665@tola.ecs.ox.ac.uk> m92mjb@ecs.ox.ac.uk (Martin J Bligh) writes: >It would be very convenient if we agreed to post short >summaries of the material covered in each of our lectures. > >This would cater for those of us who "accidentally" oversleep >some of the lectures (both morning and afternoon). > >All that is really needed is the topics covered, as the material >itself can be read from books. The idea would be something along the >lines of the Lecture Synopsis we are given, but the lecturers never >seem to stick to it (and a *little* more detail would be useful). >Of course, if someone is willing to post a complete "LaTeXed" set of >lecture notes ... :-) > >This would avoid all those embarassing incidents such as when your Tutor >says "Have you covered L'Hopital's rule yet?", and the answer is "Dunno, >I haven't been to any lectures yet this term" (Fortunately my tutorial >partner saved my ass at this point by saying "yes", so I knew that it was >safe to pretend that I knew what the Tutor was talking about). > >Fletch > >PS I would be only too willing to contribute to this for all the lectures >that I go to. Not sure how much help this would be tho :-)

You never know Martin, some Wadham tutors might be reading this newsgroup.

Yours helpfully,

Bill McColl (Tutor in Computation, Wadham)

From: m92mjb@ecs.ox.ac.uk (Martin J Bligh)
Newsgroups: ecslab.mc92
Subject: Lectures
Date: 26 Nov 92 22:12:11 GMT
Distribution: ecslab
Organization: Oxford University Undergraduate Engineering and Comp Sci Lab, UK
Originator: m92mjb@booth8.ecs

> You never know Martin, some Wadham tutors might be reading this newsgroup.
>
> Yours, helpfully,
> Bill McColl (Tutor in Computation, Wadham)

No, I'm sure I'm safe there. They'd never read this newsgroup.

Fletch

PS. Just by the by, I hope no-one thought I was in the slightest implying that
a) I never go to any lectures.
b) Neither does anyone else.
c) The lectures are anything but eloquent and lucid.
d) I spend most of my time asleep.

Suggesting any of the above would be a *gross* distortion reality-space as we know it.

PPS So is anyone interested, or what?

Pentium Bug Humour

Q & A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG

• Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
• Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
  A: A mad scientist.
• Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
  A: Warning label.
• Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
  A: Successive approximations.
• Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to
  1. Divide
  2. ROUND
  3. RANDOM
  4. On a Pentium, all of the above
  
  A: Number 4.
• Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
  A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
• Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
  A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
• Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
  A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

Top Ten Intel Slogans for the Pentium

• 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
• 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
• 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
• 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
• 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
• 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
• 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
• 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point?
• 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
• 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside

Programmers' Sayings

• You can always tell a good idea by the enemies it makes.
• Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you planned.
• It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble. It's the personalities and the politics.
• Those who can't do, teach. - article of faith among students
  And vice-versa. - programmer's addendum to students' article of faith
• Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
• The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
• Friends come an go, but enemies accumulate... and sometimes the the real trick is telling the difference.
• Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address.
• You never find out the whole story until after you've signed the contract.
• Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
  - Clarke's law
• Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
  - Murphy's reformulation of Clarke's law
• Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from a rigged demostration.
  - programmer's restatement of Murphy's reformulation of Clarke's law
• Putting twice as many programmers on a project that is late will make it twice as late.
  - Brooks' law of programming projects
• Sleep? Isn't that a completely inadequate substitute for caffine?
• At some time in the project you're going to have to break down and finally define the problem.
• Customer support is an art, not a science. - marketing saying
  So are most other forms of torture. - programmers' response
• Programming is like pinball. The reward for doing it is the opportunity of doing it again.

Real Engineers

• Real engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match
• Real engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthdays
• Real engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency", not because they're lazy
• Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words
• Real engineers think a `biting wit' is their fox terrier
• Real engineers know the second law of thermodynamics, but not their own shirt size
• Real engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches and automatic transmissions
• Real engineers say "It's about 20 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
• Real engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal
• Real engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today, I drove my own car"
• Real engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window
• Real engineers know the "ABCs of Infrared" from A to B
• Real engineers rotate their tyres for laughs
• Real engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath
• Real engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of Quantum Physics and half a peanut butter sandwich
• Real engineers don't find the above at all funny

DL-232 -- A New Standard

I may never understand how the designers of the RS-232 "standard" for serial communication managed to use 25 wires where only 3 are really necessary. Maybe they made a deal with the companies that make cables, connectors, and switch boxes...I just don't know.

Well, I thought of a few things that the RS-232 standard lacks, and since there are already so many extra signals, a few more can't hurt anybody, right? Heck, let's go for 50-pin connectors and cables and add the following new signals. (Just to make sure this isn't compatible with any old equipment, all OLD signals are moved up one pin number (Carrier Detect becomes 9 instead of 8, etc., and pin 25 goes to pin 1).

• 26: XCAT Should be connected to chassis of devices. Used with the next two signals, this provides protection against cats who haven't learned not to walk on floppy disks or serial equipment. This signal should supply about 2000 volts (at a VERY low current level; wouldn't want to HURT the cute little thing, just teach it not to walk on anything in the computer room).
• 27: CATGND Cat ground. Used with pin 26. This signal should be connected to another part of the chassis or the tabletop.
• 28: CTD Cat detect.
• 29: SD Self-destruct. This signals causes the device to destroy itself.
• 30: SDACK Self-destruct acknowledge. Acknowledges that the device has destroyed itself.
• 31: VADIC This signal indicates to a computer that the device on the other end is a modem that uses VADIC protocol. (Note: CompuCenter Iowa users should jumper this signal to SD and then buy a decent modem.)
• 32: STBIT1 Stutter bits. With pin 33, sets the number of "stutter bits" (0 to 3 of them) to be included before each byte transmitted. This may reduce the number of people who feel inferior to computer equipment by showing them that computers have problems communicating with each other.
• 33: STBIT2
• 34: CABR Cable ready. It's not enough to know that the Data Set is ready (DSR) and the Data Terminal is read (DTR). We also need to know that the CABLE connecting them is ready.
• 35: GRR Gremlins ready. Not everybody knows it, but there are little green guys inside most modern computer equipment. Most of the time they sleep, but other times they cause trouble. The next 6 signals are for dealing with gremlins.
• 36: 220A Used with pin 37, supplies 220 volt power for the gremlins' air conditioning. On hot days when gremlins can't sleep, applying power to these pins may solve your problems.
• 37: 220B
• 38: 110H 110 volts, hot side. When the 220 volt power doesn't help and gremlin problems persist, use this with pin 39 to supply 110 volts for the gremlins' TV and video game center.
• 39: 110N 110 volts, neutral side.
• 40: MOON Indicates the phase of the moon. Sometimes solves mysterious problems.
• 41: LHI Pins 41 through 45 can be used to implement the "like" protocol when the normal RTS/CTS protocol isn't enough. This one means "Like HI" and is used to establish a connection.
• 42: LHTY2 Like HI to You Too. Acknowledges pin 41.
• 43: LLTT Like Listen To This. Requests permission to send data.
• 44: LOK Like OK. Grants permission to transmit data.
• 45: LWOW Like WOW. Acknowledges receipt of data.
• 46: HEY Pins 46 to 50 may be used to implement the "Eighties" protocol when RTS/CTS and "Like" protocols won't do the job. This signal is similar to RTS (Request to Send).
• 47: NP No Problem. Acknowledges HEY.
• 48: HUH? Signals that data was not received correctly (possibly wrong number of stutter bits).
• 49: YEAH Acknowledges data received.
• 50: KMG365 Like YEAH, but for avid Emergency One fans.

That makes 50! Let's hear your suggestions for MORE serial signals. Maybe we can get 100 and REALLY make the cable manufacturers happy.