Computer Admin

Quick Reference

• Rules of ECSLab
• Customer Service
• Results of Letting Novices at Computers

Rules of ECSLab

The rules of ECSlab are as follows:

1. Undergraduates are reminded that the machines and equipment are provided wholly and entirely for completing coursework.
2. Undergraduates are reminded that, although they pay large university fees for equipment for their course, we are still going to charge them for use of it.
3. Any undergraduate found using the machines for any purpose other than coursework will be charged at a rate of 1p per CPU second of illegal use.
4. Any undergraduate who exceeds their printer quota, whether this is due to them printing or not, will be charged at a rate of 5p per sheet. This charge is made up as follows: ~0.8p for toner, ~0.8p for paper, ~0.4p for maintainance, 1p for administration costs in calculating and collecting the charges, and 2p because we feel like it.
5. Any undergraduate who logs in more than twice in the same day will be banned.
6. All undergraduates must choose sensible passwords; passwords such as "firstyear" and "christmas" are NOT sensible passwords and you should avoid them whenever possible.
7. Any undergraduate who requests an increase in file quota will have their account meticulously searched in order to ensure that they require it. We will not tolerate people preventing us from reading files by encrypting them.
8. Any undergraduate who does anything that we don't understand will be banned; this includes compiling programs, logging on, and running X.
9. Undergraduates are allowed to appeal the decision of (8); any queries will be passed on to Mark Bush and if he thinks its Ok, then it is.
10. By reading these rules you are agreeing to abide by them.

Customer Service (from The System Manager)

This has been making the rounds around here. I don't know who the original author is...

Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices", an ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious beings called Users.

She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE FULL!"

I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Miss Russell, I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as I stopped her process, crushing any hopes she may have had of ever again seeing that document she had spent three hours slaving over.

"I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read it to you?"

"No point. Just press return."

"Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?"

"Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time:

Computer:

The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know.

Response Time:

Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time.

Hardware:

See "Computer." Again, not your concern.

Software:

If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone.

Network:

Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you think we do all day? By the way , Russell... shame about your mother's Pancreas.

Data:

The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer. (See "Response Time")

System Crash:

Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes.

Downtime:

Like I said, don't ask

Uptime:

Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face

Overtime:

Don't be ridiculous.

Vacation:

A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't try calling. There's no point.

Computer Room:

Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- don't even think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows.

My Office:

The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.

Your Problems:

The name says it all...

Deadlines:

The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.

Maintenance:

1. A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
2. Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
3. Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.

Software Upgrades:

Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.

Electronic Mail:

I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.

Defaults:

We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory.

Error Messages:

I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them to yourself.

Killing your Process:

1. Don't ever ask why
2. Beyond your control
3. No warnings are given
4. The highlight of my day
5. If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.

Passwords:

I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Example: jrussell: SNOTFACE)

Users:

1. They slow down the computer
2. They waste my time
3. A general nuisance
4. Worse than that, actually

Software Modifications:

You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period.

Privileges:

I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.

Priority:

Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")

Terminals:

Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:

1. Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
2. Do you REALLY want your process killed?
3. Did you just trip over the cord again?
4. Of course you did.

Disk Space:

I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files".

Operator:

I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed; always dangerous.

Backups:

A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't.

Lunch:

The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your process.

Data Security:

That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.

Jiffy:

Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process.

Eternity:

Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem that can't be resolved by killing your process.

Impossible:

1. It can't be done (as far as you know)
2. I can't be bothered
3. You're starting to annoy me

Inevitable:

1. Couldn't have been avoided
2. Not my fault (as far as you know)
3. The result of annoying me

Menus:

If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it (See "Eternity").

Utilities:

I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?

Nuisance:

You.

Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else

Sincerely,
The System Manager

P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means you, Russell!)

The Results of Letting Novices at Computers

Copying discs

I was working for a now closed merchant bank when another guy in our (computer) department came into my office in hysterical laughter. He told me he had just fielded a question from a woman whose department had gotten PCs installed two months previously. (Not by our group, we wrote software.)

She told him her problem, and he figured out that a few files were lost from a floppy disk.

"Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.

"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day."

"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to restore the files."

"You mean put it in the printer?"

"Huh? Put it in the disk drive."

"How am I going to do that?"

You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. My response was to suggest that we fax them a new copy of their disk.

Installing software

"Hi. I have a program I'd like you to install on the network drive. It draws fractals."

"I can't put copywritten software on our computers"

"Oh, it's public domain."

"Can you prove that?"

"Sure, the documentation is right here."

"Where?"

"On this disk."

"I told you, I can't put copywritten software on our computers!"

"I'm not putting software, I'm just putting a text file. See, I can't show you the program because it's packed..."

"Look. If you can download a hard copy of the proof ..."

"Download a HARD COPY? HUH?"

"Well, print it out!"

"Look, there's a printer right here! I can just..."

"NO COPYWRITTEN SOFTWARE!"

"It's public domain! I got it straight from the authors over a network!"

"Just because it's on a network doesn't mean it's public domain!"

Rather than try to explain the concept of a moderated binaries group, I went through proper channels and brought in a hard copy (Which, for all she knows, I could have typed myself) of the pertinent docs. I then said, "OK, can I install it now?"

"Well, we have to wait for our computer person to install it"

It's been a week so far..

Submission

Disc drives

What's worse, it was a two-drive machine!

Seymour Cray

Reportedly, when one of the early Crays started malfunctioning, the machine's purchasers it called in Seymour Cray to diagnose the problem. Cray came to the site, sat down, and stared at the machine for two and a half hours. At that point he stood up, marked a single connection on the machine's blueprints, said, "Replace THIS wire," and left. The techicians did as told, and the machine worked perfectly.

Printer

It was. They had.

Letterhead

5.25" discs

More discs

Me: "Gosh, wouldn't it be funny if you accidentally stuck a 3.5" floppy in the 5.25" drive?"

Him: "No. It isn't funny. [The Boss] did it, and it got stuck. It had to be pried out. And have you ever noticed the foam between the drives?"

Me: "Yeah..."

Him: "Well, that's because [the boss] stuck a disk in there between the drives once, and lost it inside the computer. It was found a couple of months later, when the computer had to be taken apart."

Computer store

One time, someone complained of losing data from his disks... he'd use them a couple of days and then they'd just die... After checking the disk drive out quit thouroughly, we found out he'd been storing the disks on his refrigerator with magnets.

We also got a call about the "any" key once...

Most people who have computer problems aren't stupid... just "computer illiterate." Work in a computer store to get calls from the stupid ones!

Lab manager

Did you ever have someone absolutely ASSURE you that they were doing everything correctly and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat (along with a box of Fiddle Faddle and a KoolAid drink box) to walk over to the other side of the room and watch them type it in and have it work perfectly, only to have them look at you and say "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously not.

Most errors were so obvious that we didn't even bother getting out of our seat.

"I typed login but nothing happened"

"Press Return"

"oh. Ok"

"I typed login return but nothing happened"

"You typed r-e-t-u-r-n, didnt you? Schmuck."

"The printer isn't printing."

"Is it online?"

"What?"

"Are the little green lights on?"

"Oh. No, they're not. Thanx."

"You're welcome"

"My program doesn't..."

"You forgot the semi-colon."

"How did you..."

"Line 15. Check."

"But..."

"Trust me."

Hardware

"We asked the hardware specialist, and he said its a software problem. So we called you."
"Not only is it NOT a software problem, the problem is a bad host cable coming out of your file server. Get the hardware guy back and tell him THAT." I love doing both jobs at once.

"Why is the B key missing from this keyboard?"
"A girl accidentally knocked the keyboard off of the table on your day off yesterday. We tried to get them all, but we couldn't find that one."
"It's under the space bar." (It really was, too)

"Where is the F10 key?"
"One of my students tried to eat it."
"Oh. Silly me."

I have a million of these, but I have to go to work so I'll end on this one:

"Ah, Duane? We have a little problem in the back lab."
"Gee, what could it be? Printer out of paper again?"
"No, it's with one of the computers."
"Someone turn the screen contrast down again?"
"No, it's smoking."

I never moved so fast in my life. If it's one thing that software people know, it's that smoke is a hardware problem.

Mainly Macs

1. (Mac SE)
   "How do I start MacWrite??"
   "See that arrow on the screen. Use the mouse to position the arrow over the network icon [I point to network icon], and press the mouse button twice"
   User picks up mouse, places it on monitor, and drags mouse across the screen.
2. (Mac SE)
   "Excuse me, there is an Empty-folder virus on my disk"
3. (Mac SE)
   "There must be something wrong with this boot disk--the computer won't come up"
   Walk over and turn on machine. (Note: The computer only had one switch; monitor was internal)
4. (PS/2 50z with harddisk)
   A user just finished printing out a paper. He did not have his own disk, but instead used a 16k vdisk (d:) that is created by the autoexec.bat. When it finished printing, he shut the machine off. "O there's a big mistake--good thing I saved it on the d disk!"

Doors

How to open a disc

1. Remove diskette from envelope
   (he used an exacto-knife to open the black plastic envelope)
2. Carefully insert disk in drive
   (he inserted just the inner plastic disk)
3. Close drive door
   (driving the hub through the disk about 1/2 inch off centre)
4. Type install
   (grind grind chew chew...disk error)

Time clock

A coworker of mine was in charge of testing and servicing all magnetic time clocks which were returned by our customers. These were devices that ran on 110 voltage and plugged into a computer via a rs-232 port. One day we received a clock with a severed power cord. Apparently the clock had been direct wired at the customer site, so when they went to remove it they just cut the power cord off at the end. To test the clock, my coworker (mike) was inserting the individual wires one at a time into the female rescepticle of an extension cord. Unfortunately for mike he stuck a wire into the wrong slot. For starters a $1,700.00 time clock was cooked. What makes it qualify as a truely idiotic event is that the clock was wired to the computer via the 232 port. A hearty 110 AC volts shot right up that 232 port into the computer, exploding chips at it went. The computer hard disk noisily ground to halt while smoke was pouring out the back.

I can still see mike standing there holding the extension cord in one hand and the time clock cord in another, saying "oh-oh". He had about as dumb an expression as you can imagine.

About $1,200.00 was put into reviving that PC but it was never the same again.

Keyboard

"Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue."

Card Problem

Power cord

Wet Spots

Console problem

No Connection

Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

THESE REALLY HAPPENED!!! REALLY!!!

Logging on

All Caps

VT220 plug

(Bill's phone rings)
Bill: "Hello?"
User: (Gruffly) "Cursor's broke."
Bill: "Beg your pardon?"
User: (Gruffer) "Cursor's broke on my VT220 computer." (a VT220 is the model number of a dumb terminal made by Digital)
Bill: "Did you try plugging it in?"
User: "Of course I did. What do think I am, an idiot?"
Bill: (No comment)
Bill: "Sometimes on those VT220 'computers' you have to reverse the polarity on the plug. Can you unplug it and turn the plug upside down and plug it back in?" (He says this knowing full-well that the cord has a grounded three-pronged plug and CANNOT be plugged in upside-down)
User: "OK, hold on" (he sets down the phone)
(In a few seconds Bill hears the familiar "B-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-p-p-p-p" that emanates from a terminal at power-up)
User: "OK, I've reversed the polarity and it works fine now!"

Formfeed

How to use a mouse

!@#$%^&*()_@#$@#$%^#$%!!!!!

So THAT's what I've been doing wrong!!!

vmunix

Turned out that a few days later, he was poking around the root partition and saw this 1MB file called /vmunix. Not thinking, he mv'd it into his home directory, intending to examine it further. Not long after, the machine he was on locked up, so he rebooted. Guess what happened. 8-)

Next thing I knew, he sent out a distress call. He got a lot of ribbing after that.

New PC User

DU (Dumb User): "I put the disk in the slot, but it doesn't work, the computer just says something about 'Abort, Retry, Ignore'."
Long-suffering support person: "Did you insert the disk correctly?"
DU: "I think so, but first I had to take it out of that funny black envelope..."

BBss

I've worked closely with the sysops of a local BBS, who are always amazed at the users that download a file from the system, decide that it's not what they expected, and return it by re-uploading it.

Faxes

Floppy problems

Lots of discs

• One customer who said that his 3.5" diskettes were defective because they wouldn't fit in his 5.25" disk drive.
• One customer who claimed that his 5.25' diskettes were defective because his low density disk drive couldn't read them (They were High density).
• Numerous customers claiming that the programs they bought were defective because they didn't run on their systems when it turns out that their systems were too slow etc...

  (And this one actually happened!!!!!!)

• One customer returned a program on CD-ROM claiming it was defective because it wouldn't fit in their 5.25" low density disk drive!!

MS Word

286 Upgrade

The Tech laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair.

Extra characters

A woman called the shop where she had bought a PC and complained that it didn't work properly: Every time she switched it on the screen was filled with characters.

Two technicians were sent out and were met by a woman with tits about twice the size of Dolly Parton's and glasses about two centimeters thick. They asked her to switch on the computer. This she did, and then leaned over the keyboard to read what was on the screen...

The problem was quickly solved.

Blank screen

Shift problem

More uses for a fax